When God First Broke My Heart (Spiritual Journey Memoirs: Part III)

     I honestly never remember a time I didn't believe in God. My earliest memories are of my mother teaching me about God and me accepting what she said. The thing about a child's 'faith' however, is that they are as likely to believe in a monster in their closet or under the bed as well as they are to believe in God. Santa...God...both seem equally believable. That is the nature of childhood 'faith'. I'm more and more uncomfortable actually labeling it 'faith' because it is most accurately described as 'belief/acceptance' without any critical thinking or independent reasoning. It's a good thing, don't misunderstand...a step that many of us who were raised in Christian families share and an important part of our spiritual development. I was comfortable with God like I was comfortable with characters from my favorite stories. Then something changed. He broke my 10 year old heart.

  There was a family at our small church...a dad, mom, and 2 sons. She was 39 years old. She had a nagging cough we all noticed that the doctors were fairly confident was 'walking pneumonia' but when it lingered and refused to respond to treatment further testing revealed she had lung cancer. Never smoked a day in her life. I remember how upset my mother was. She said we needed to be in daily prayer about this and to ask God for healing. The church I was part of at this time and my mother both had very healthy/balanced attitudes regarding healing and prayer. They both taught it had to be within God's will and naturally you had to ask in faith believing that nothing was too hard for Him to do. Somehow even though I was taught the truth about this, what I believed in my child's mind was that if I had enough faith and didn't doubt, then God would answer my prayer and heal this beloved sister. I knew the verse about '...if you have faith as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain be moved and it will fall into the sea...'. I knew that verse. I had my mustard seed. God had to heal her. He just had to. If I did my end of the equation, he was obligated to do his, right?

  The part about it being God's will? Well, how could healing a mother of 2 kids who never smoked NOT be his will? I mean really? Wouldn't that just make him mean and cruel if it wasn't his will? This was the reasoning of my 10 year old mind.

  So we prayed. And prayed. And prayed. In faith. When I doubted (because of course I did) I would psych myself up NOT to doubt...I would will my doubts away (sweep them under my mind's rug so to speak, not actually address them but deny/stifle them) and one day we received good news that the tumors on a checkup had shown no growth so a possible 'remission' was beginning. We praised God and I just knew it was because of my rock solid 'faith' without doubtings that had 'done the job'.

   About two weeks later, this precious sister died. Her lungs and health were decimated from cancer and the treatment and she got sick...so sick her body could not survive. She died. Her funeral tore me to pieces. "How could you God????" "Are you even there???" "What kind of God are you if you ARE real that you would take a young mother from her kids?? I had enough faith!!! You didn't keep your end of the bargain!!" Those were my thoughts and accusations I hurled at God. I shook my 10 year old fist in his Divine face and threw a temper tantrum before the throne of Heaven.

  For a time my faith was deeply injured...I spiritually pouted. I also felt so spiritually lonely. Who was God? I realized I didn't actually know. My 'faith' of a child was not gone per se, it was being cultivated for the first time, I just didn't realize it. God was preserving the mustard seed... now letting it begin to actually germinate into something much more real. To actually face doubts. To face Him...the real Him, and not a childish caricature I had of Him. He was showing me that the puny box I was so comfortable putting him in must be destroyed. My broken heart was allowing me to catch a real glimpse of Him for the first time. The God who does not answer to me or even make sense to me...a 10 year old who somehow thought I could comprehend God and not only comprehend Him but control what His Sovereign Will is.
 
  Now as an adult, I still have thoughts such as "Why, Lord, Why??" I don't have all the answers. Now I turn to Job and read how God responded to his questions...then I am put in my place:

“Dress for action like a man;
    I will question you, and you make it known to me. Will you even put me in the wrong?
    Will you condemn me that you may be in the right? Have you an arm like God,
    and can you thunder with a voice like his?

    Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;
    clothe yourself with glory and splendor.Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
    and look on everyone who is proud and abase him. Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low
    and tread down the wicked where they stand. Hide them all in the dust together;
    bind their faces in the world below. Then will I also acknowledge to you
    that your own right hand can save you." Job 40: 7-14

God's answer to Job is simply this: I AM GOD. Period. At first glance, that may not seem the most satisfying answer to the question but that is the answer. He is God. We are not. He never explains himself to Job, he simply highlights his Sovereignty and thereby puts Job in his finite, human place. It's as Aslan in Narnia stories "He is not safe, but He's good". He will not bend to our understanding and reasoning nor will He enter our puny and pathetic little 'cardboard' boxes. 'Cardboard' boxes we think can comfortably contain the power that created the universe. In the end, he gave Job *and us* the only answer that matters. He is God. We are not. I also find comfort in the fact that this God is so powerful that even when it defies our best reasoning he still is the God that "works ALL things for good for those who love him"...Romans 8:28

He broke my heart that first time. He has broken it many times sense. He will continue to break it as needed for his Sovereign will to unfold. Yet I trust him. I hope in him. I thank Him for cultivating a faith beyond believing because I understand but rather the opposite... Him sustaining and growing my faith when I do NOT understand. He is God. I am not. Period.