Like Being Born Again...Again

The Thursday before Josiah's birthday, 2 years ago today, started off like any ordinary day. I was working in the kitchen and my cell phone rang. Tye's voice, breaking up, strange in it's ominous tone simply said this: "Get the kids and take them to Jennifer and Jarad's house right now, I'll be home soon. Don't worry, everything is going to be okay, just do it".

I started to shake all over...a huge pit in my stomach making me literally gag uncontrollably...a cold, sinking feeling in my chest...was all I could feel. My thoughts and pulse were racing...reeling...what was happening?

I gathered the kids up as quickly as I could, trying to not cry...trying to hide my shaking hands...I remember trembling all over...tried to hide it the best I could... I didn't want to scare the kids. Off to our friends' house we raced. Jennifer met us at the door with her usual sweet smile...I tried to hide my expression knowing it would betray the cheerful demeanor I was trying so hard to maintain. Jennifer only knew that Tye needed to talk to me, nothing more. I raced home and on the way called Tye and begged him to tell me on the phone because the suspense was more than I could handle...I was even having chest pains from the fear....it felt like someone literally was squeezing my heart..and I couldn't take in enough air. So he told me.... "Julie, I've been fired."

So I got home and Tye soon arrived. We sat on the sofa and my first words were shocking to me. I didn't cry yet, that would come later. I simply said "This earth is not our home. We must keep our eyes on what lies beyond". I knew I had to be strong. Tye knew he had to be strong. He shared w/me how it all went down and how afterwards he paced in the church foyer, all alone, crying out to God in words like "My God, what are we going to do?" Tye also shared with me that he had a confidence and assurance of one thing: God was with us. He would see us through this. He would take care of us. He didn't know how, but by faith we knew God would come through.

We literally didn't sleep that night. Judah lay sleeping peacefully between Tye and myself, blissfully ignorant that this was one of the hardest nights of our lives. I was wide awake just praying...I knew Tye was, too. Words were not needed. Just to be still and know that God was there for us. I remember staring at the shadows playing on the walls...and watching them lighten as the sun rose. All.night.long. Silence and prayer.

It was a strange mode that Tye and I went into, immediately. I went into survival mode...within minutes of talking on the sofa the first day, I said "You know what this means, right? We need to sale the house. God is bringing us to Washington." Tye knew it as well. It was so clear.

The mode Tye went into can best be described as 'Spirit lead'. He could have been angry, bitter, reactionary. He, not even once, was any of those things. You know what he did that really amazed me?? He pulled his Bible out, put it on my lap and told me to turn and read out loud I Peter 2:2:

  "When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly."

Tye's attitude was that if Jesus could have this attitude in the midst of a billion times the unjust suffering, how much more was God calling him to have this same attitude in this comparatively tiny suffering. 

Within 2 weeks we had packed our things...taken them to my Dad's...painted exterior and interior of house, put in landscaping, fixed a dozen things in the house...replaced some plumbing fixtures...taking savings to do it...and the house was on the market.

How had life changed so quickly?? One morning our plans were to grow old in the house we designed and built... and in a job Tye loved with all his heart...and by noon...everything had crumbled into a heap. How does that happen?

It happens because that is how our Sovereign Lord works. It's not enough to talk about faith and trust. Big deal. Talk is cheap. When faith and trust become meaningful and real, is when they are all you have to carry you...all that is keeping you from total despair.

We came to a fork in the road: Trust or Despair. Take a leap of faith into the arms of the Almighty, not knowing how this story will end but knowing He will provide...or keep a facade of control and go down the road leading to total despair.

God gave us the strength to take the right road...a leap straight into his outstretched arms and no, we didn't know how the story would end, but the overwhelming fact in our mind was that God is here. He is good. He is almighty. He will come through for us. We will just follow wherever He takes us.  "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him" had a whole new meaning to us.

Severe mercy. That was what that summer and the entire transition year turned out to be. God removing vestiges of self-centered religiosity so that He might make room for Himself.

The mode we went into that I alluded to earlier was so strange. We literally could not think beyond the day's tasks before us. When it happened, it was already nearly July so most teaching jobs were filled...he didn't have even a resume. In a whirlwind of so much to do in sifting through the wreckage of our lives and trying to figure out how to survive it all...there was a strange calm. God was literally telling us to trust and take only 1 moment at a time. No more than literally 1 day at a time. That is how we lived out the summer. We had to constantly take thoughts captive and live by the mantra of: Trust, God is here, He will provide.

He landed a few interviews that didn't work out. The church did give our family a week by week severance package...limited to 8 weeks...and dependent on us keeping our mouths shut. Yes, we were not allowed to discuss anything with anyone or lose what little financial life support we had left. Paid week by week, for 8 weeks, contingent on saying nothing whatsoever. We sat in the same pew, put on the smiles, and pretended we were not dying inside. Just keep breathing...just put one foot in front of the other. Every Sunday and Wednesday I would come home literally sick and crying. My heart felt like every time I came through the doors, it shattered again. I was even literally nauseated, losing 15 pounds in about 3 weeks. So hard to keep the tears in check until I got home...be the good former preacher's wife...just wear the fake smile. Obey. Keep quiet. Move on. Act. Put on the show they demand so your family can buy groceries a few more weeks...just survive. So we never were able to have any defense, never have our voices speak at all. To this day, we have kept that silence...close relatives know quite a bit...no one knows it all...and the need to make our defense has long passed...so the reality of what happened is somewhere in the ether. Folks who we loved for a decade only know what they were allowed to know. So moving on....

We had our annual trip to Washington already paid for and planned and so we spent a week in Lake Chelan...still no job. Tye and I spent so much time on that trip in prayer and talking...searching for God's direction...trying to process what was happening. Reading of scripture soothed our souls...the teaching of grace began to grow richer, deeper, more real than *ever* before. We went to a little spot on the Columbia River and we held hands and just prayed our hearts out. Every year when we go back to Lake Chelan...as we did last week...we find the same spot and pray a prayer of thanksgiving and praise.

On that same trip, we were out in the pool when Tye got a call from a school he had interviewed with back in Texas...and he was hired. Oh, how we praised the Lord! It was literally the last bilingual job in the area...still an hour's drive away...but it was a job! We were so grateful! We prayed a prayer of thanksgiving.

The first people to look at our house ended up buying it...so all we needed to do was get through the year in my Dad's house and look to the future...and keep trusting the Lord for whatever his plan might be.

The Lord worked on us powerfully and continually that year. He broke us so that he might have material he could work with. We had been comfortable for too long. For too long faith and trust were simply teachings. He pulled the rug out from under us so that in the wreckage we might look upon HIM for the first time. Not to the church to deliver us, not to ourselves to fix a wreck that was beyond fixing...but to look at Him and really *see him* for the first time in our lives. To depend on him in a way that before that time, had only been theoretical sermon material.

Tye and I have discussed that transition year often and how much he taught us. We actually miss the mindset we were in. The mindset of blind dependance. "Living on a prayer" was actually our daily reality. We wondered what life would look like, be like, in Washington. What would church be like in a place that had no vibrant, healthy Church of Christ? Little did we know that God was about to blow our minds with our whole mindset of 'church' and what it is...but that is another story for another day...

Oh, what delightfully unpredictable plans the Lord had that we never ever could have imagined or planned for. I sit here in a beautiful home the Lord provided, in a setting that just might be the most beautiful on earth...part of a vibrant church body we thank God for leading us to...surrounded by a network of friends and family who truly love us and have been balm to our souls. Oh, how grateful and joyful we are in the bounty he has provided for us in this new life!

I've tried to describe to Tye how I felt the day the news was given, during that summer and into that transition year. The best way I can put it into words is that it was like being Born Again...again. I don't mean in the ultimate sense, that happened long ago...but the process of something dying...then God breathing life into it...not only renewed but more rich, deep...more glorious than ever before. That is what He has done for us. Without that painful process of breaking down, we would never have truly experienced grace as Paul describes it in scripture. It would still remain merely a teaching, not a reality to be walked. Not a reality that breaks you to the core, so that He might remake you into a vessel he can use more powerfully than ever before.

Yes, that about sums it up...it's like being Born Again...again.  So much more I could say...so many details of exactly how God worked out things during that year...so much he taught us...but those will be stories for another day. The overarching theme of this story: God is Sovereign. God is good. God is both just and merciful. He does not work in ways that are predictable or even what we would ever volunteer for...but we can trust Him. Always.