The Thursday before Josiah's birthday, 2 years ago today, started off like any ordinary day. I was working in the kitchen and my cell phone rang. Tye's voice, breaking up, strange in it's ominous tone simply said this: "Get the kids and take them to Jennifer and Jarad's house right now, I'll be home soon. Don't worry, everything is going to be okay, just do it".
I started to shake all over...a huge pit in my stomach making me literally gag uncontrollably...a cold, sinking feeling in my chest...was all I could feel. My thoughts and pulse were racing...reeling...what was happening?
I gathered the kids up as quickly as I could, trying to not cry...trying to hide my shaking hands...I remember trembling all over...tried to hide it the best I could... I didn't want to scare the kids. Off to our friends' house we raced. Jennifer met us at the door with her usual sweet smile...I tried to hide my expression knowing it would betray the cheerful demeanor I was trying so hard to maintain. Jennifer only knew that Tye needed to talk to me, nothing more. I raced home and on the way called Tye and begged him to tell me on the phone because the suspense was more than I could handle...I was even having chest pains from the fear....it felt like someone literally was squeezing my heart..and I couldn't take in enough air. So he told me.... "Julie, I've been fired."
So I got home and Tye soon arrived. We sat on the sofa and my first words were shocking to me. I didn't cry yet, that would come later. I simply said "This earth is not our home. We must keep our eyes on what lies beyond". I knew I had to be strong. Tye knew he had to be strong. He shared w/me how it all went down and how afterwards he paced in the church foyer, all alone, crying out to God in words like "My God, what are we going to do?" Tye also shared with me that he had a confidence and assurance of one thing: God was with us. He would see us through this. He would take care of us. He didn't know how, but by faith we knew God would come through.
We literally didn't sleep that night. Judah lay sleeping peacefully between Tye and myself, blissfully ignorant that this was one of the hardest nights of our lives. I was wide awake just praying...I knew Tye was, too. Words were not needed. Just to be still and know that God was there for us. I remember staring at the shadows playing on the walls...and watching them lighten as the sun rose. All.night.long. Silence and prayer.
It was a strange mode that Tye and I went into, immediately. I went into survival mode...within minutes of talking on the sofa the first day, I said "You know what this means, right? We need to sale the house. God is bringing us to Washington." Tye knew it as well. It was so clear.
The mode Tye went into can best be described as 'Spirit lead'. He could have been angry, bitter, reactionary. He, not even once, was any of those things. You know what he did that really amazed me?? He pulled his Bible out, put it on my lap and told me to turn and read out loud I Peter 2:2:
"When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly."
Tye's attitude was that if Jesus could have this attitude in the midst of a billion times the unjust suffering, how much more was God calling him to have this same attitude in this comparatively tiny suffering.
Within 2 weeks we had packed our things...taken them to my Dad's...painted exterior and interior of house, put in landscaping, fixed a dozen things in the house...replaced some plumbing fixtures...taking savings to do it...and the house was on the market.
How had life changed so quickly?? One morning our plans were to grow old in the house we designed and built... and in a job Tye loved with all his heart...and by noon...everything had crumbled into a heap. How does that happen?
It happens because that is how our Sovereign Lord works. It's not enough to talk about faith and trust. Big deal. Talk is cheap. When faith and trust become meaningful and real, is when they are all you have to carry you...all that is keeping you from total despair.
We came to a fork in the road: Trust or Despair. Take a leap of faith into the arms of the Almighty, not knowing how this story will end but knowing He will provide...or keep a facade of control and go down the road leading to total despair.
God gave us the strength to take the right road...a leap straight into his outstretched arms and no, we didn't know how the story would end, but the overwhelming fact in our mind was that God is here. He is good. He is almighty. He will come through for us. We will just follow wherever He takes us. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him" had a whole new meaning to us.
Severe mercy. That was what that summer and the entire transition year turned out to be. God removing vestiges of self-centered religiosity so that He might make room for Himself.
The mode we went into that I alluded to earlier was so strange. We literally could not think beyond the day's tasks before us. When it happened, it was already nearly July so most teaching jobs were filled...he didn't have even a resume. In a whirlwind of so much to do in sifting through the wreckage of our lives and trying to figure out how to survive it all...there was a strange calm. God was literally telling us to trust and take only 1 moment at a time. No more than literally 1 day at a time. That is how we lived out the summer. We had to constantly take thoughts captive and live by the mantra of: Trust, God is here, He will provide.
He landed a few interviews that didn't work out. The church did give our family a week by week severance package...limited to 8 weeks...and dependent on us keeping our mouths shut. Yes, we were not allowed to discuss anything with anyone or lose what little financial life support we had left. Paid week by week, for 8 weeks, contingent on saying nothing whatsoever. We sat in the same pew, put on the smiles, and pretended we were not dying inside. Just keep breathing...just put one foot in front of the other. Every Sunday and Wednesday I would come home literally sick and crying. My heart felt like every time I came through the doors, it shattered again. I was even literally nauseated, losing 15 pounds in about 3 weeks. So hard to keep the tears in check until I got home...be the good former preacher's wife...just wear the fake smile. Obey. Keep quiet. Move on. Act. Put on the show they demand so your family can buy groceries a few more weeks...just survive. So we never were able to have any defense, never have our voices speak at all. To this day, we have kept that silence...close relatives know quite a bit...no one knows it all...and the need to make our defense has long passed...so the reality of what happened is somewhere in the ether. Folks who we loved for a decade only know what they were allowed to know. So moving on....
We had our annual trip to Washington already paid for and planned and so we spent a week in Lake Chelan...still no job. Tye and I spent so much time on that trip in prayer and talking...searching for God's direction...trying to process what was happening. Reading of scripture soothed our souls...the teaching of grace began to grow richer, deeper, more real than *ever* before. We went to a little spot on the Columbia River and we held hands and just prayed our hearts out. Every year when we go back to Lake Chelan...as we did last week...we find the same spot and pray a prayer of thanksgiving and praise.
On that same trip, we were out in the pool when Tye got a call from a school he had interviewed with back in Texas...and he was hired. Oh, how we praised the Lord! It was literally the last bilingual job in the area...still an hour's drive away...but it was a job! We were so grateful! We prayed a prayer of thanksgiving.
The first people to look at our house ended up buying it...so all we needed to do was get through the year in my Dad's house and look to the future...and keep trusting the Lord for whatever his plan might be.
The Lord worked on us powerfully and continually that year. He broke us so that he might have material he could work with. We had been comfortable for too long. For too long faith and trust were simply teachings. He pulled the rug out from under us so that in the wreckage we might look upon HIM for the first time. Not to the church to deliver us, not to ourselves to fix a wreck that was beyond fixing...but to look at Him and really *see him* for the first time in our lives. To depend on him in a way that before that time, had only been theoretical sermon material.
Tye and I have discussed that transition year often and how much he taught us. We actually miss the mindset we were in. The mindset of blind dependance. "Living on a prayer" was actually our daily reality. We wondered what life would look like, be like, in Washington. What would church be like in a place that had no vibrant, healthy Church of Christ? Little did we know that God was about to blow our minds with our whole mindset of 'church' and what it is...but that is another story for another day...
Oh, what delightfully unpredictable plans the Lord had that we never ever could have imagined or planned for. I sit here in a beautiful home the Lord provided, in a setting that just might be the most beautiful on earth...part of a vibrant church body we thank God for leading us to...surrounded by a network of friends and family who truly love us and have been balm to our souls. Oh, how grateful and joyful we are in the bounty he has provided for us in this new life!
I've tried to describe to Tye how I felt the day the news was given, during that summer and into that transition year. The best way I can put it into words is that it was like being Born Again...again. I don't mean in the ultimate sense, that happened long ago...but the process of something dying...then God breathing life into it...not only renewed but more rich, deep...more glorious than ever before. That is what He has done for us. Without that painful process of breaking down, we would never have truly experienced grace as Paul describes it in scripture. It would still remain merely a teaching, not a reality to be walked. Not a reality that breaks you to the core, so that He might remake you into a vessel he can use more powerfully than ever before.
Yes, that about sums it up...it's like being Born Again...again. So much more I could say...so many details of exactly how God worked out things during that year...so much he taught us...but those will be stories for another day. The overarching theme of this story: God is Sovereign. God is good. God is both just and merciful. He does not work in ways that are predictable or even what we would ever volunteer for...but we can trust Him. Always.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
God's Own Possession
For the Lord has chosen Jacob to be his own, Israel to be his treasured possession. Psalm 135:3-5
Do you ever struggle feeling like you belong? What about struggling with feelings of being loved or good enough to even be considered worthy of love? If you ever battle the forces of insecurity, feelings of never measuring up, or wonder how or if God could actually love you...you are not alone. So often the enemy works to discourage us...to take away God's glory by attacking our relationship with him...whispering doubts into our hearts and trying so hard...so very hard...to shake our security and confidence in the Lord. We don't have to let him.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory. Ephes. 1:11-14
Before the foundation of the world, before we were even in existence, God had in mind a people for himself, his own possession. We should take this personally: we belong to him. The purpose of this taking us for his own? For his own glory. For his own purposes. We are his. Let the voices of doubt, negativity, and insecurity be silenced. He has claimed us. The creator of the universe claims us as his own, his beloved, his children, his precious possession...let that sink into our hearts.
Now from Peter: But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. I Peter 2:9
How does this relate to our daily routines? The ups, downs, the mundane? Peter says we are created to be his possession so that we may declare his praise for drawing us out of darkness and into his light...we are created to praise the father.
If this seems simplistic, consider this encouraging fact: heaven will be filled with praise for the Father forevermore. The throne room of heaven is depicted as a bright, loud, extraordinary place of praise and glory...we get to have a tiny taste of such spiritual delight while here on earth. A "foretaste of glory divine" as the old hymn declares.
It may look more ordinary. Our praise is most effective when it arises from the normal events of life. We help our neighbor because the Lord helps us. We feed the hungry and give drink to the thirsty as the Lord has so graciously given us the bread and water of life of himself. We tell the truth because he is truth. We have pure speech because he is pure. We forgive because we've been forgiven. We extend mercy and grace that has been gifted to us. We praise the Lord as we wash dishes for our family, as we change the diapers, as we refuse to give the bird to that driver who cut us off and nearly caused an accident. We share our time, our talent, and treasure because we know they are not ours to begin with.
We are his possession. We do not deserve it. We do not earn it by a certain measure of obedience nor maintain it by another standard of obedience that if we fail to measure up we are thrown out. Rather because we are his possession, because we are his own and have been sealed and gifted with his Holy Spirit we are now able and equipped to obey...to his glory, not to our own. On days we feel like it, on days we don't, on days we make pretty good choices, and on days we fail miserably. We are his.
Let the voices of discouragement be forever silenced in the din of the praises of Heaven to the glory of the father.
Do you ever struggle feeling like you belong? What about struggling with feelings of being loved or good enough to even be considered worthy of love? If you ever battle the forces of insecurity, feelings of never measuring up, or wonder how or if God could actually love you...you are not alone. So often the enemy works to discourage us...to take away God's glory by attacking our relationship with him...whispering doubts into our hearts and trying so hard...so very hard...to shake our security and confidence in the Lord. We don't have to let him.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory. Ephes. 1:11-14
Before the foundation of the world, before we were even in existence, God had in mind a people for himself, his own possession. We should take this personally: we belong to him. The purpose of this taking us for his own? For his own glory. For his own purposes. We are his. Let the voices of doubt, negativity, and insecurity be silenced. He has claimed us. The creator of the universe claims us as his own, his beloved, his children, his precious possession...let that sink into our hearts.
Now from Peter: But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. I Peter 2:9
How does this relate to our daily routines? The ups, downs, the mundane? Peter says we are created to be his possession so that we may declare his praise for drawing us out of darkness and into his light...we are created to praise the father.
If this seems simplistic, consider this encouraging fact: heaven will be filled with praise for the Father forevermore. The throne room of heaven is depicted as a bright, loud, extraordinary place of praise and glory...we get to have a tiny taste of such spiritual delight while here on earth. A "foretaste of glory divine" as the old hymn declares.
It may look more ordinary. Our praise is most effective when it arises from the normal events of life. We help our neighbor because the Lord helps us. We feed the hungry and give drink to the thirsty as the Lord has so graciously given us the bread and water of life of himself. We tell the truth because he is truth. We have pure speech because he is pure. We forgive because we've been forgiven. We extend mercy and grace that has been gifted to us. We praise the Lord as we wash dishes for our family, as we change the diapers, as we refuse to give the bird to that driver who cut us off and nearly caused an accident. We share our time, our talent, and treasure because we know they are not ours to begin with.
We are his possession. We do not deserve it. We do not earn it by a certain measure of obedience nor maintain it by another standard of obedience that if we fail to measure up we are thrown out. Rather because we are his possession, because we are his own and have been sealed and gifted with his Holy Spirit we are now able and equipped to obey...to his glory, not to our own. On days we feel like it, on days we don't, on days we make pretty good choices, and on days we fail miserably. We are his.
Let the voices of discouragement be forever silenced in the din of the praises of Heaven to the glory of the father.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Music in Worship Series: When Distinctive Becomes Identity
What is our church and/or denomination known for? What makes it different from others?
Often whatever *it* is begins to blur into our identity. Doesn't have to, but it can and often does. Instead of it becoming something we simply value it becomes foundational to faith itself and a source of pride. Matter of judgement becoming matter of 'law' or faith. Even bolstering our very hope and security in our salvation.
For me,... it was having acapella worship in church. The power hold this distinctive had on our church tribe (I use 'tribe' since we considered ourselves non-denominational and lack another term) was hard to even describe. If we heard news of someone moving to another town the first question was: "What Church do they attend? Is it sound? (ie. one of us, on the list and approved). Do they use instrumental music?" That sort of thing. It was at least up there next to the Gospel message and sometimes even given more practical attention than Jesus himself.
Salvation became about Church and Church was about our distinctives....the most important one being not using instrumental music in worship. Jesus really did get lost in the mix or added as an appendage. This often happens with any distinctive that is given an inordinate amount of emphasis and attention.
Our distinctive, whatever it may be is often the first thing unbelievers will see when they see us. We must ask ourselves "Will our distinctive/s point to Jesus Himself or will it actually distract from the Gospel message?"
In looking to scripture there is only 1 distinctive that is supposed to be what others look to in our 'mark' as Christians. Only 1 item that points to our identity in Christ and flows from it: LOVE.
"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35
"And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us." I John 3:23-24
In having a distinctive, there is urgency to make it count. Make it a powerful testimony to the saving grace of our Lord. Make it biblical. Make it the mark what distinguishes those who have been raised from death and given new life...giving Him all the glory. It's LOVE...overflowing from the redemptive work HE is doing within us. That is our distinctive. Let the world want to know who this Jesus is by the love they see in his people....
Often whatever *it* is begins to blur into our identity. Doesn't have to, but it can and often does. Instead of it becoming something we simply value it becomes foundational to faith itself and a source of pride. Matter of judgement becoming matter of 'law' or faith. Even bolstering our very hope and security in our salvation.
For me,... it was having acapella worship in church. The power hold this distinctive had on our church tribe (I use 'tribe' since we considered ourselves non-denominational and lack another term) was hard to even describe. If we heard news of someone moving to another town the first question was: "What Church do they attend? Is it sound? (ie. one of us, on the list and approved). Do they use instrumental music?" That sort of thing. It was at least up there next to the Gospel message and sometimes even given more practical attention than Jesus himself.
Salvation became about Church and Church was about our distinctives....the most important one being not using instrumental music in worship. Jesus really did get lost in the mix or added as an appendage. This often happens with any distinctive that is given an inordinate amount of emphasis and attention.
Our distinctive, whatever it may be is often the first thing unbelievers will see when they see us. We must ask ourselves "Will our distinctive/s point to Jesus Himself or will it actually distract from the Gospel message?"
In looking to scripture there is only 1 distinctive that is supposed to be what others look to in our 'mark' as Christians. Only 1 item that points to our identity in Christ and flows from it: LOVE.
"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35
"And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us." I John 3:23-24
In having a distinctive, there is urgency to make it count. Make it a powerful testimony to the saving grace of our Lord. Make it biblical. Make it the mark what distinguishes those who have been raised from death and given new life...giving Him all the glory. It's LOVE...overflowing from the redemptive work HE is doing within us. That is our distinctive. Let the world want to know who this Jesus is by the love they see in his people....
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Part III: A Walk Through Early Church History
I love history. It’s never quite as one would expect it
to be. Never seems to be black and white and easy to figure out. Like people,
history is messy, imperfect, highlighting the good, the evil, and the shades of
gray. So much to learn! I find it so fascinating and messy beautiful.
I’ve read a few resources the past couple weeks and the
picture it paints of the early church is encouraging and beautiful as well as
delightfully human and far from perfect. The early church looked a lot like us
in all the ways that matter. They wanted unity. They valued sound
doctrine and codifying it to keep it pure. They seemed to genuinely enjoy being
together and involving themselves in benevolence and good deeds…encouraging one
another to holy lives befitting believers in Christ.
I tried to find as much as I could about music in the
early church and what scholars call ‘liturgy’--the order or form of
worship--basically what they did and how.
It was disappointing if you want to find a lot of information
about instruments or how they sung. There is nothing about instruments for the
first few centuries, no focus for good or bad on whether or not to use them.
Their priorities were different.
Around the sixth century is comes up that the church didn't
use instruments but they didn't appeal to scripture. They were concerned with
association. Some said it was 'Jewish’ while others said it was 'pagan.' Some
were concerned with immorality associated with instrumental music. They wanted
to make sure Christian worship was different from pagan worship. Greek gods and
goddesses were often pictured with flutes. Didn't want that! Some said it
reminded them of ‘calls to war.' Christians were supposed to be peaceful.
What stood out to me was what the early church did
emphasize. They spent a lot of time talking about some things worth looking at.
I’m not criticizing or endorsing what they did. I’m just interested in the
history.
Before 100 A.D. they met two times on Sunday. In the
morning gathering (before sunrise) they did extensive reading of scripture from
the OT and whatever NT letters were available. Then they had exhortation by a leading
elder, followed by prayers and singing. The evening service had the ‘agape’—a love
feast followed by the communion. They met before daybreak and took vows to live
holy and ethical lives. By the end of the first century the ‘agape’ was dropped
and communion moved to morning gathering.
Their Priorities:
1. Unity. They wrote a lot about submitting
to the bishop. By “bishop” they meant an elder over many churches in an area.
Ecclesiastical structure was important to them very early on. Every congregation evidently had a lead elder, fellow elders, then deacons. It was a basis for unity and order. Clement
of Rome even discussed apostolic succession as well as the importance of submitting to elders and bishop.
2. Benevolence. Good deeds
reflected Christ. They talked about helping brethren and ‘strangers’. Service
was highly valued. Women played an important role in this area.
3. The Lord’s
Supper and Baptism. The Didache (among the earliest writings) describes a kind
of hierarchy of preferences of baptism. First choice, baptism by immersion in ‘living water.’
If no stream of running water was found they could use another source of water. If no large source of water could be found, they could pour water following a
minimum one- two day fasting period. They did three “pours.” One each for the Father,
Son, and Holy Spirit. Only those
baptized received communion.
4. The
requirement for baptism. At first it was just faith in Christ. But by the
second century they began requiring a probationary period before baptism. The ‘catechumen’
was not allowed in the same general worship area. Baptisms were usually
performed at Easter or Pentecost. Baptism for the sick and infants became an
issue that was not uniformly agreed upon during this time.
5. Fasting.
6. Sound doctrine. The church
dealt with legalism and Christology. Gnosticism and Docetism challenge the doctrine
of the nature of Christ. Other issues of the day included the nature of
salvation and resurrection. Creeds
became an important weapon to combat false
teaching. Councils took the essential points of doctrine, codified them, and the
church memorized them so that they would know false teaching when they heard
it. Creeds were like a mnemonic device. They helped believers remember
essential doctrine. Here is the Apostle’s Creed (pre-340 A.D. version):
“I believe in God the Father Almighty. And in Jesus
Christ His only (begotten) Son our Lord, who was born of the Holy Ghost and the
Virgin Mary; crucified under Pontius Pilate, and buried; the third day He rose
from the dead; He ascended into heaven, and sitteth at the right hand of the
Father, from thence He shall come to judge the quick and the dead. And in the
Holy Ghost; the Holy Church; the forgiveness of sins; the resurrection of the
body; (the life everlasting).”
Music History within the Church:
1. In the fourth century Ambrose
introduced antiphonal singing of psalms and congregational singing of hymns.
2. Gregorian chants came into
style in the sixth and seventh century. Solemn, monotone chanting. No harmony
like we know it today.
3. Festive and
happy singing was considered vulgar, associated with minstrel entertainment.
4. By the tenth century the
Western Church began using organs.
5. During the Reformation instruments
fell out of favor, this time for their association with Jewish worship, or
worse, Catholic worship. Not all the Reformers agreed about this.
6. Classical music of the Baroque
period was composed for the church.
Ideas about music and instruments have changed a lot
throughout history and will continue to do so. There was no 'ancient order' or pattern of authorized
worship forms/styles that focus on the external acts. The early church did not get it all right and neither do we.
Thank God
for his immeasurable grace that saves us: frail, fallible, and fallen as we
are. It is by grace we have been saved and stay saved, not in restoring a
non-existent ancient order or ever-changing pattern of authorized external, ritualistic worship. We worship in 'spirit' and in 'truth'. This is the kind of worship our Lord desires and has always desired. May the Lord bless our feeble efforts as we do the best we can to give him the sacrifice of our lips, our actions, our lives that He alone deserves. May He lead us every step of the way for his own purpose and glory.
Next time: "When a Judgment Call Becomes
Identity".
Resources:
·
Christianity
Through the Centuries (3rd edition), Earle E. Cairns
·
christianitytoday.com
·
liturgica.com
·
calledtocommunion.com
·
The
Didache
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Music in Worship Series Part II: A Biblical Survey of Instrumental Music
The goal of this post is to discuss what the Bible says about this topic. This issue is not the complicated, confusing, divisive subject it has transformed into. It's more simple than we think. An overview of scriptures about instruments leads to a conclusion that promotes unity in the body of Christ and removes an unnecessary obstacle to the proclamation of the gospel.
Quick Survey of Instruments from Genesis to Revelation:
1. Instruments are tools of praise before the Law is given. Miriam takes a timbrel and the children of Israel worship, praise, and celebrate their salvation. They offer the Lord praise that is instrumental, emotional, and joyful.
2. Instruments are a tool used in religious festivals and worship. See Lev. 23:23, Numbers 10, for example.
3. As an example from the book of Psalms, Psalm 150 refers to all kinds of instruments as tools of praise. The word "psalm" means "pluck," as in the strings of a harp. David wrote many of the psalms and it is clear he used his musical gifts for the glory of the Lord.
4. In the the New Testament, there are two short passages in Ephesians and Colossians. They focus on the daily, moment-by-moment sanctification process as we live as the body of Christ in this life.
"Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts." Colossians 3:16
"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:18-20
5. Revelation 8 describes the throne room of Heaven. The angels use trumpets and other instruments.
So what are we to do with this? For the sake of argument I am going to shift gears and work from the premise that it is wrong to use instruments in worship, either corporate or individual.
If I believed instruments were wrong to use in worship, I would have to conclude:
1. Before the Law, instruments were fine.
2. Under the Law, instruments were fine.
3. In Heaven, instruments will be fine.
4. Under grace, instruments are wrong.
If instruments were wrong, God would have made this point clearly. God always makes clear what is sinful. Since instruments are not mentioned here specifically, the whole issue is best thought of as a judgment call.
Instruments are neither good or bad. They are tools. Like all tools they can be used for good or bad. But by themselves they are neutral. Praise comes from the heart. From Genesis to Revelation, it's not about the tools. It's about the heart.
To say more is to go beyond scripture. As a brother once said, "Where the Bible speaks, we speak, where it is silent, we tend to have a lot more to say."
Next time I plan to write about this judgment call in history. There was a period of time Christians laid their instruments down.
Quick Survey of Instruments from Genesis to Revelation:
1. Instruments are tools of praise before the Law is given. Miriam takes a timbrel and the children of Israel worship, praise, and celebrate their salvation. They offer the Lord praise that is instrumental, emotional, and joyful.
2. Instruments are a tool used in religious festivals and worship. See Lev. 23:23, Numbers 10, for example.
3. As an example from the book of Psalms, Psalm 150 refers to all kinds of instruments as tools of praise. The word "psalm" means "pluck," as in the strings of a harp. David wrote many of the psalms and it is clear he used his musical gifts for the glory of the Lord.
4. In the the New Testament, there are two short passages in Ephesians and Colossians. They focus on the daily, moment-by-moment sanctification process as we live as the body of Christ in this life.
"Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts." Colossians 3:16
"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:18-20
5. Revelation 8 describes the throne room of Heaven. The angels use trumpets and other instruments.
So what are we to do with this? For the sake of argument I am going to shift gears and work from the premise that it is wrong to use instruments in worship, either corporate or individual.
If I believed instruments were wrong to use in worship, I would have to conclude:
1. Before the Law, instruments were fine.
2. Under the Law, instruments were fine.
3. In Heaven, instruments will be fine.
4. Under grace, instruments are wrong.
If instruments were wrong, God would have made this point clearly. God always makes clear what is sinful. Since instruments are not mentioned here specifically, the whole issue is best thought of as a judgment call.
Instruments are neither good or bad. They are tools. Like all tools they can be used for good or bad. But by themselves they are neutral. Praise comes from the heart. From Genesis to Revelation, it's not about the tools. It's about the heart.
To say more is to go beyond scripture. As a brother once said, "Where the Bible speaks, we speak, where it is silent, we tend to have a lot more to say."
Next time I plan to write about this judgment call in history. There was a period of time Christians laid their instruments down.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Music in Worship Series: Part I: "Insignia of Baal?"
Instruments in Christian Worship. What a relationship I have had with this topic my whole life. I remember sermons on the topic as a kid. One angle I loved about the sermons is it literally was the *only* time that the Reformers were cast in a good light in our church. LOL The quotes from John Calvin, Charles and John Wesley and especially the one from Martin Luther calling the organ '...an insignia of Baal...' really rallied the troops to abhor instrumental music in worship. I loved the fact that for once these guys got a good rap in our sermons. "You go Martin Luther!!" I could say for once in the church house. :-)
It was actually this argumentation...the historical argument that kept me for YEARS, unable to worship with any instrumental accompaniment...and I'll discuss this more at length in a different post. It is actually a fascinating angle of Christian history...but more about that another day.
I think what bothered me the most over the years was how the judgement call to not have instruments, which is fine and even commendable, became Law in our particular fellowship and one we had no idea how to apply in our lives with any real consistency. So for the rest of Part I, I'll just outline the major inconsistencies which set the stage over the years for me to dig deeper into this issue that has affected the body of Christ for centuries, even millennia, in some way or other:
1. Acappella-only in the Sunday/Wed. services or anytime the church is together in any setting? Where does this leave funerals? weddings? camps? Chapel time in Christian schools?
I observed some congregations agreeing to use it in weddings *only if recorded and played over the system* with no actual instruments being brought into the building. Some allowed for the actual instruments saying that a wedding is not worship so it's okay. Funerals generally seemed to follow the same pattern...some congregations saying only recorded instrumental music is allowed but if live singing, must be without instruments. Others holding that we should honor the dead's musical preference and it's not worship so allow it. Camps/youth retreats? Who knows. All over the park on this one. During camp devos, generally no instruments...take it by the camp-fire under the stars w/a guitar and suddenly instrumental music is okay. But wait. Some say, if the camp song is not spiritual...yanno....just secular...use the guitar...if it's spiritual or mentions God at all...you must put the instrument down and praise God w/voice alone. What if God is just mentioned in 1 line of a generally secular song? What to do? Can I please just roast my marshmellows and praise God at the same time, please?? :-) lol
2. Then there's the angle of praise/worship in one's personal life. We had no idea what to do w/this. The general idea was to be consistent it was wrong *anywhere* if the songs were hymns or praise type songs. Yet, I personally knew many brethren who listened to the Chuckwagon Gang in their homes...and other Old Time Gospel groups like Jim Reeves and the Statler brothers who swore the same songs done in Church could in fact, send their souls to hell. Man, was I confused! At least some brethren were more consistent...they refused to listen to *any* songs that were spiritual in nature at any level unless 100% without instrumental accompaniment. But these same folks would sing God Bless America w/instrumental accompaniment at events and I never saw them refuse to sing it even though the song is talking about God. Wowzas! Does it really have to be this hard to figure out? lol ;-)
So I was left thinking that listening to secular music in my home celebrating superficial things of life was better than listening to the same musical genre type song singing about the eternal truths of life and pointing our minds Heavenward to our Sovereign Lord and King. I just couldn't buy this. Ever. Even as a youngster. And it bothered me folks could accept it so easily and unquestioningly. What bothered me more were my fellow young adults who listened to the "drinkin', carousin', fornicatin'" secular songs... singing along w/gusto but would suddenly refuse to sing if I turned on a Twila Paris song. I'm surprised I have hair left because I really did want to pull all of mine out over the years. Over. and Over again. I really should be bald. Good thing God gave me so much hair, I knew there had to be a reason. lol :-)
3. Then there was the Acappella groups that caused us even more confusion. They did not use instruments. Were members of our movement. BUT they would use anatomical accompiment. They would clap, snap, bee-bop, stomp, whistle, even making their voices sound like DRUMS!!! What were we to do with THAT??? Voices that sound like instruments?? God help us, this is too much! They sounded like instruments but there were no instruments other than the voice and the body. Is the body an instrument? Can I tap my toes? Can I keep time w/my hand tapping the pew in front of me as long as it's not tapping an actual drum or piece of wood? Can I whistle or hum? Yet I can't blow into a flute and let *it* whistle? So as you can see, more confusion. We were divided on Acappella groups as well. Many refused to have anything to do with their recordings or their concerts. Other churches opened their doors to the concerts and sold their tapes/CD's in the foyer with gusto. lol *sigh*...now my head is spinning like a carnival carousel. lol
Then there's the Mom singing All Creatures Great and Small to her newborn babe...but wait. The baby's mobile over the crib is playing along. Does she turn off the mobile or not? :-)
My hope is whether you are in agreement w/my ultimate conclusions on the matter or not, that you'll find it refreshing to openly discuss this topic at all, whatever your conclusions. Most of us stuffed these thoughts into a locked vault out of fear of violent responses and emotional outbursts. So many would think the same thoughts but never ever discuss them. Preachers could lose jobs, Elders lose their positions by openly discussing these things. Men or whole families black listed. I'm serious. Scary. There is humor to this topic, but also a darker under-belly. I hope whoever is reading this, you'll at least find my honestly and openness and willingness to discuss a 'sacred cow' topic somewhat refreshing.
Next time: Part II: The Bible and the 'Insignia of Baal' Stay tuned. This boat is about to start a-rockin' some more....in a good way...:-)
It was actually this argumentation...the historical argument that kept me for YEARS, unable to worship with any instrumental accompaniment...and I'll discuss this more at length in a different post. It is actually a fascinating angle of Christian history...but more about that another day.
I think what bothered me the most over the years was how the judgement call to not have instruments, which is fine and even commendable, became Law in our particular fellowship and one we had no idea how to apply in our lives with any real consistency. So for the rest of Part I, I'll just outline the major inconsistencies which set the stage over the years for me to dig deeper into this issue that has affected the body of Christ for centuries, even millennia, in some way or other:
1. Acappella-only in the Sunday/Wed. services or anytime the church is together in any setting? Where does this leave funerals? weddings? camps? Chapel time in Christian schools?
I observed some congregations agreeing to use it in weddings *only if recorded and played over the system* with no actual instruments being brought into the building. Some allowed for the actual instruments saying that a wedding is not worship so it's okay. Funerals generally seemed to follow the same pattern...some congregations saying only recorded instrumental music is allowed but if live singing, must be without instruments. Others holding that we should honor the dead's musical preference and it's not worship so allow it. Camps/youth retreats? Who knows. All over the park on this one. During camp devos, generally no instruments...take it by the camp-fire under the stars w/a guitar and suddenly instrumental music is okay. But wait. Some say, if the camp song is not spiritual...yanno....just secular...use the guitar...if it's spiritual or mentions God at all...you must put the instrument down and praise God w/voice alone. What if God is just mentioned in 1 line of a generally secular song? What to do? Can I please just roast my marshmellows and praise God at the same time, please?? :-) lol
2. Then there's the angle of praise/worship in one's personal life. We had no idea what to do w/this. The general idea was to be consistent it was wrong *anywhere* if the songs were hymns or praise type songs. Yet, I personally knew many brethren who listened to the Chuckwagon Gang in their homes...and other Old Time Gospel groups like Jim Reeves and the Statler brothers who swore the same songs done in Church could in fact, send their souls to hell. Man, was I confused! At least some brethren were more consistent...they refused to listen to *any* songs that were spiritual in nature at any level unless 100% without instrumental accompaniment. But these same folks would sing God Bless America w/instrumental accompaniment at events and I never saw them refuse to sing it even though the song is talking about God. Wowzas! Does it really have to be this hard to figure out? lol ;-)
So I was left thinking that listening to secular music in my home celebrating superficial things of life was better than listening to the same musical genre type song singing about the eternal truths of life and pointing our minds Heavenward to our Sovereign Lord and King. I just couldn't buy this. Ever. Even as a youngster. And it bothered me folks could accept it so easily and unquestioningly. What bothered me more were my fellow young adults who listened to the "drinkin', carousin', fornicatin'" secular songs... singing along w/gusto but would suddenly refuse to sing if I turned on a Twila Paris song. I'm surprised I have hair left because I really did want to pull all of mine out over the years. Over. and Over again. I really should be bald. Good thing God gave me so much hair, I knew there had to be a reason. lol :-)
3. Then there was the Acappella groups that caused us even more confusion. They did not use instruments. Were members of our movement. BUT they would use anatomical accompiment. They would clap, snap, bee-bop, stomp, whistle, even making their voices sound like DRUMS!!! What were we to do with THAT??? Voices that sound like instruments?? God help us, this is too much! They sounded like instruments but there were no instruments other than the voice and the body. Is the body an instrument? Can I tap my toes? Can I keep time w/my hand tapping the pew in front of me as long as it's not tapping an actual drum or piece of wood? Can I whistle or hum? Yet I can't blow into a flute and let *it* whistle? So as you can see, more confusion. We were divided on Acappella groups as well. Many refused to have anything to do with their recordings or their concerts. Other churches opened their doors to the concerts and sold their tapes/CD's in the foyer with gusto. lol *sigh*...now my head is spinning like a carnival carousel. lol
Then there's the Mom singing All Creatures Great and Small to her newborn babe...but wait. The baby's mobile over the crib is playing along. Does she turn off the mobile or not? :-)
My hope is whether you are in agreement w/my ultimate conclusions on the matter or not, that you'll find it refreshing to openly discuss this topic at all, whatever your conclusions. Most of us stuffed these thoughts into a locked vault out of fear of violent responses and emotional outbursts. So many would think the same thoughts but never ever discuss them. Preachers could lose jobs, Elders lose their positions by openly discussing these things. Men or whole families black listed. I'm serious. Scary. There is humor to this topic, but also a darker under-belly. I hope whoever is reading this, you'll at least find my honestly and openness and willingness to discuss a 'sacred cow' topic somewhat refreshing.
Next time: Part II: The Bible and the 'Insignia of Baal' Stay tuned. This boat is about to start a-rockin' some more....in a good way...:-)
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A Night in a Chicken Coop on the Amazon (spiritual journey memoirs part VI)
So much happened when I was 20 years old. It seemed impossible that only a couple years before that time, I had felt so 'together'. Confident, energetic, happy. I wasn't sure I was even the same person anymore. I felt a loneliness and keep emptiness that is hard to even describe. So weighty was the burden I carried it was like strapping on a daily boulder.
What had brought me to this point? Do I really want to open up and try to explain? I hate talking about negative things. I've written this paragraph over and over only to delete it in tears and think "It's too negative" but this part of the story can be no other way. This part of my story was essential if I were to ever begin to understand grace. This part is horribly negative...but it's raw and it's real, and it happened. So here we go...
The church I grew up in as you know if you've read other postings was perhaps the most extreme legalistic type system you could ever encounter. At least close to it. Our security was in the 'right' church. Our hope was in 'doing the right things'. Our confidence was in 'having the correct answers'. If you were asked "Where will you go if you die right now?" your answer would be "I hope Heaven". Presumptuous it was to think you could *know* you were saved so none of us really knew...not about ourselves and certainly not about our brothers and sisters. So the mindset, the perception, was we had to be 'right' to get to Heaven. How right? I don't know, we didn't analyze that far, you just had to be right. You can imagine what this mindset did for unity when everyone thinks they are right, everyone else is wrong and you must 'stand firm' on this or that or go straight to Hell. Yes, frightening doesn't even begin to adequately describe it.
We actually had a list...a literal list, of churches we called 'the brotherhood' that were the only churches we deemed acceptable. We claimed we were not a denomination so I've never understood this but there ya go...we had a brotherhood...a nondenominational denomination and it blew up in our faces. Not just our 1 congregation but multiple ones, the whole 'brotherhood'...imploded. The List of sound churches torn to shreds. A prominent brother and sister had had a terrible falling out and everyone lined up behind one of them or the 3rd option...neutral... which made the other factions dislike them even more and so it all just fell apart. As a 20 year old young lady, I could do nothing but watch in disbelief, in horror...as all I had ever known and believed was shaken to it's core and I knew a truth in every fiber of my being: What I had been told was 'truth' all my life was in fact, not. And that sent me into a spiritual tailspin that could have destroyed my faith utterly had it not been for the grip of grace holding me tightly...a grace to whom I had yet to even be introduced.
I saw people I grew up with and loved with all my heart just walk away from each other. Lifelong relationships over in a moment. The carnage was people like me, youth who saw the reality for what it was and were just young and open-minded enough to be done with the whole thing. So I just walked away from the whole scene. Not to one side, or other, or neutral...from the whole scene entirely. Just done. Adios. There has got to be more to church than *this*, was the scream in my heart. I knew there had to be more just by reading the Word. This was nothing like the church I read about in scripture, no matter how much we claimed 'restoration' as our mantra...it just wasn't there. If there was nothing more than this, just take me now, Jesus, because I want you...but your bride who scripture describes as radiantly beautiful has turned leprous and I have no idea what to do from here.
So it was a very torn, beat up, hurting gal who walked through the doors of The Yellow House, YH for short, in February 1996. YH was a campus Bible chair at Stephen F. Austin State University, the school I had just transferred to. I remember the day well. The sunshine was so brilliant it was like a summer day...unseasonably warm. Happy weather. It made me feel the contrast of my own darkness yet the more and I knew I needed help. I thought maybe this group of fellow students might be what I needed. Technically YH was a ministry of a church like the one I grew up in but on the 'liberal' side of the spectrum...which just meant a lot healthier, vibrant, 'with-it', and balanced from my perspective. I was surprised when lightening didn't strike me when I entered. They weren't on The List ya know. :-) Not even a light year from being on The List.
I found such wonderful friends/brethren there. Fellowship for which I had been literally starving. Spiritual worship I had craved. Healing I desperately needed. I found sanctuary. It was one of the most beautiful times that began when I walked through those glass double doors into that 2 story brick building that looked like a Frat house for the Lord. :-) I loved it. I thrived. Imagine meeting people that could relate to my pain and help me through it in a healthy way. It was glorious. I even remember singing so passionately during worship times I would see the light fixtures trembling. Glorious. It just was. I loved it.
Mental walls falling down, boxes in my mind crumbling.... It was an amazing time of discovery! I was questioning everything and reading scripture without the filter to which I was so accustomed. Letting it just speak and not running everything through a prescribed lenses. Such an amazing time of growth! I felt like Paul when the scales fell from his blind eyes. I truly felt myself seeing for the first time...IN COLOR. Oh, the joy!
Summer rolled around and a friend from YH who was a youth minister at a nearby church invited me to be a counselor at a church camp. I had never been to church camp...I grew up thinking those things were 'innovations' and wrong. So of course I jumped on the opportunity. Thought it would be fun and I could get away for a week and hear some good teaching and enjoy more good singing.
About midway through the week I found myself late one night in the mess hall with my friend who had invited me and the pulpit-minister of a nearby church. The minister was named brother Mays. I had never met him before this camp and never saw him again, but the man changed my life. The 3 of us just got to talking about different things in our spiritual walk when I just opened up and told him I'd never actually been sure I was saved. Ever. Never real abiding peace. Not even after 2 baptisms and now that the '1 true church' idea had fallen apart in my mind when I saw the behaviors that were still seared in my memory, I didn't have security in anything. Spiritually floundering. I lacked a solid foundation on which to rest. I wasn't it. The church wasn't it. Not even 2 baptisms were it. On what do I rest?? --was my soul's aching cry.
Brother Mays was so patient. He gave me his Bible to use while he made me turn to select scripture mainly from Romans. He made me read it to him and then answer questions he would ask. He didn't actually give me the answers...he made me do the work based on what he had me read. I could not possibly put all the quotes here that he had me read...chapters at a time from Romans and other passages elsewhere. The light of grace was just 'switched on'...literally... that night. He told me I could be SURE I was saved, I could KNOW it, on the basis of the finished work of Jesus, not my perfect obedience. The ideas he helped me codify were these: There is no condemnation for those in Christ, we obey and produce fruit of the Spirit because we ARE saved, not in order to be saved. Being saved means being covered in the righteousness of Christ himself...so the righteousness I now have, is not my own but His. Those basics. That his blood continues to regenerate me...continues to cleanse from all sin. He keeps me saved, not perfect knowledge, perfect obedience. Rather, perfect HIM. He IS the foundation on which I can rest.
Now I look back and think "That was Grace 101...why was I so moved to tears??" Because I didn't know those things at all! I had read the entire NT several times but never did I *get* Romans and any teaching really, about grace. This was the first introduction I had to the most beautiful part of the Gospel..it IS the Gospel. How did I miss it for so long?
Of course I did not fully understand grace that night as I don't fully understand it now...but the switch was turned on. God has shown me from that moment onward more and more beauty of his grace which continues to blow my mind.
You know what was crazy?? The weather that night. We were in the piney woods of deep east Texas in the middle of 'The Big Thicket' as it's called. A thunderstorm...and I do mean Texas sized Thunderstorm struck. Lightening, thunder...terrific rain. We were staying in these tiny little cabins that shuddered when the wind blew. Reminded me of a typical chicken coop...only *I* was sleeping in the chicken coop which afforded me my only protection
Everything in the cabin was moist and sticky from the hot stormy weather. What you'd expect weather to be like in the jungles of South America on the Amazon. ;-) Yes, like staying the nite in a chicken coop on the Amazon! That's it! That's how it felt! :-) There was a clap of thunder so loud it hurt my ears and the lightening lit up the sky so that for a moment it looked like broad daylight at 2:00 a.m. Unbelievable storm! I distinctly remember thinking "I could DIE at this camp!! That tree right there could just fall on this tiny cabin and that would be that".
I smiled, rolled over, and went to sleep. If the worst were to happen, I knew where I'd be going. There was no fear any longer. Not even in a chicken coop on the Amazon. No insecurity. No self condemnation. I had Jesus. That's all I needed. I went to sleep and for the first time in my life, slept the sleep of peace.
What had brought me to this point? Do I really want to open up and try to explain? I hate talking about negative things. I've written this paragraph over and over only to delete it in tears and think "It's too negative" but this part of the story can be no other way. This part of my story was essential if I were to ever begin to understand grace. This part is horribly negative...but it's raw and it's real, and it happened. So here we go...
The church I grew up in as you know if you've read other postings was perhaps the most extreme legalistic type system you could ever encounter. At least close to it. Our security was in the 'right' church. Our hope was in 'doing the right things'. Our confidence was in 'having the correct answers'. If you were asked "Where will you go if you die right now?" your answer would be "I hope Heaven". Presumptuous it was to think you could *know* you were saved so none of us really knew...not about ourselves and certainly not about our brothers and sisters. So the mindset, the perception, was we had to be 'right' to get to Heaven. How right? I don't know, we didn't analyze that far, you just had to be right. You can imagine what this mindset did for unity when everyone thinks they are right, everyone else is wrong and you must 'stand firm' on this or that or go straight to Hell. Yes, frightening doesn't even begin to adequately describe it.
We actually had a list...a literal list, of churches we called 'the brotherhood' that were the only churches we deemed acceptable. We claimed we were not a denomination so I've never understood this but there ya go...we had a brotherhood...a nondenominational denomination and it blew up in our faces. Not just our 1 congregation but multiple ones, the whole 'brotherhood'...imploded. The List of sound churches torn to shreds. A prominent brother and sister had had a terrible falling out and everyone lined up behind one of them or the 3rd option...neutral... which made the other factions dislike them even more and so it all just fell apart. As a 20 year old young lady, I could do nothing but watch in disbelief, in horror...as all I had ever known and believed was shaken to it's core and I knew a truth in every fiber of my being: What I had been told was 'truth' all my life was in fact, not. And that sent me into a spiritual tailspin that could have destroyed my faith utterly had it not been for the grip of grace holding me tightly...a grace to whom I had yet to even be introduced.
I saw people I grew up with and loved with all my heart just walk away from each other. Lifelong relationships over in a moment. The carnage was people like me, youth who saw the reality for what it was and were just young and open-minded enough to be done with the whole thing. So I just walked away from the whole scene. Not to one side, or other, or neutral...from the whole scene entirely. Just done. Adios. There has got to be more to church than *this*, was the scream in my heart. I knew there had to be more just by reading the Word. This was nothing like the church I read about in scripture, no matter how much we claimed 'restoration' as our mantra...it just wasn't there. If there was nothing more than this, just take me now, Jesus, because I want you...but your bride who scripture describes as radiantly beautiful has turned leprous and I have no idea what to do from here.
So it was a very torn, beat up, hurting gal who walked through the doors of The Yellow House, YH for short, in February 1996. YH was a campus Bible chair at Stephen F. Austin State University, the school I had just transferred to. I remember the day well. The sunshine was so brilliant it was like a summer day...unseasonably warm. Happy weather. It made me feel the contrast of my own darkness yet the more and I knew I needed help. I thought maybe this group of fellow students might be what I needed. Technically YH was a ministry of a church like the one I grew up in but on the 'liberal' side of the spectrum...which just meant a lot healthier, vibrant, 'with-it', and balanced from my perspective. I was surprised when lightening didn't strike me when I entered. They weren't on The List ya know. :-) Not even a light year from being on The List.
I found such wonderful friends/brethren there. Fellowship for which I had been literally starving. Spiritual worship I had craved. Healing I desperately needed. I found sanctuary. It was one of the most beautiful times that began when I walked through those glass double doors into that 2 story brick building that looked like a Frat house for the Lord. :-) I loved it. I thrived. Imagine meeting people that could relate to my pain and help me through it in a healthy way. It was glorious. I even remember singing so passionately during worship times I would see the light fixtures trembling. Glorious. It just was. I loved it.
Mental walls falling down, boxes in my mind crumbling.... It was an amazing time of discovery! I was questioning everything and reading scripture without the filter to which I was so accustomed. Letting it just speak and not running everything through a prescribed lenses. Such an amazing time of growth! I felt like Paul when the scales fell from his blind eyes. I truly felt myself seeing for the first time...IN COLOR. Oh, the joy!
Summer rolled around and a friend from YH who was a youth minister at a nearby church invited me to be a counselor at a church camp. I had never been to church camp...I grew up thinking those things were 'innovations' and wrong. So of course I jumped on the opportunity. Thought it would be fun and I could get away for a week and hear some good teaching and enjoy more good singing.
About midway through the week I found myself late one night in the mess hall with my friend who had invited me and the pulpit-minister of a nearby church. The minister was named brother Mays. I had never met him before this camp and never saw him again, but the man changed my life. The 3 of us just got to talking about different things in our spiritual walk when I just opened up and told him I'd never actually been sure I was saved. Ever. Never real abiding peace. Not even after 2 baptisms and now that the '1 true church' idea had fallen apart in my mind when I saw the behaviors that were still seared in my memory, I didn't have security in anything. Spiritually floundering. I lacked a solid foundation on which to rest. I wasn't it. The church wasn't it. Not even 2 baptisms were it. On what do I rest?? --was my soul's aching cry.
Brother Mays was so patient. He gave me his Bible to use while he made me turn to select scripture mainly from Romans. He made me read it to him and then answer questions he would ask. He didn't actually give me the answers...he made me do the work based on what he had me read. I could not possibly put all the quotes here that he had me read...chapters at a time from Romans and other passages elsewhere. The light of grace was just 'switched on'...literally... that night. He told me I could be SURE I was saved, I could KNOW it, on the basis of the finished work of Jesus, not my perfect obedience. The ideas he helped me codify were these: There is no condemnation for those in Christ, we obey and produce fruit of the Spirit because we ARE saved, not in order to be saved. Being saved means being covered in the righteousness of Christ himself...so the righteousness I now have, is not my own but His. Those basics. That his blood continues to regenerate me...continues to cleanse from all sin. He keeps me saved, not perfect knowledge, perfect obedience. Rather, perfect HIM. He IS the foundation on which I can rest.
Now I look back and think "That was Grace 101...why was I so moved to tears??" Because I didn't know those things at all! I had read the entire NT several times but never did I *get* Romans and any teaching really, about grace. This was the first introduction I had to the most beautiful part of the Gospel..it IS the Gospel. How did I miss it for so long?
Of course I did not fully understand grace that night as I don't fully understand it now...but the switch was turned on. God has shown me from that moment onward more and more beauty of his grace which continues to blow my mind.
You know what was crazy?? The weather that night. We were in the piney woods of deep east Texas in the middle of 'The Big Thicket' as it's called. A thunderstorm...and I do mean Texas sized Thunderstorm struck. Lightening, thunder...terrific rain. We were staying in these tiny little cabins that shuddered when the wind blew. Reminded me of a typical chicken coop...only *I* was sleeping in the chicken coop which afforded me my only protection
Everything in the cabin was moist and sticky from the hot stormy weather. What you'd expect weather to be like in the jungles of South America on the Amazon. ;-) Yes, like staying the nite in a chicken coop on the Amazon! That's it! That's how it felt! :-) There was a clap of thunder so loud it hurt my ears and the lightening lit up the sky so that for a moment it looked like broad daylight at 2:00 a.m. Unbelievable storm! I distinctly remember thinking "I could DIE at this camp!! That tree right there could just fall on this tiny cabin and that would be that".
I smiled, rolled over, and went to sleep. If the worst were to happen, I knew where I'd be going. There was no fear any longer. Not even in a chicken coop on the Amazon. No insecurity. No self condemnation. I had Jesus. That's all I needed. I went to sleep and for the first time in my life, slept the sleep of peace.
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