My 1st Baptism...then my 2nd...and how I nearly had a 3rd...(spiritual journey memoirs part V)

The Annual Summer Gospel Meeting. It was something our church anticipated all year long. Some churches called it 'Revival'...we shied away from that term because it conjured up images of Holy Ghost stuff that just might include emotional displays and things like speaking in tongues and such. No, 'Gospel Meeting' was properly subdued with the emphasis on GOSPEL and gospel meant baptisms. So many of us growing up in this tradition would plan our baptism around the 'Gospel Meeting'....summer Gospel Meetings...the season of baptizin'.

I was 9 years old. I told Mom I thought it was the time and Mom spent the couple weeks leading up to the Gospel Meeting of taking me through every scripture in the New Testament related to baptism to ensure a proper understanding. I knew what I was doing. "I got this," I thought, "I'm ready." So on the first night of the Gospel Meeting 'I went forward.' That is the same as responding to the 'altar call' in other church traditions. It was a happy nite...but I didn't actually get baptized that nite. The church didn't have a baptistry so we drove an hour to one of our 'sister churches' and for some reason their baptistry wasn't filled and it would have taken hours to fill so the next nite I was immersed into Christ. I felt good. I felt right. It was nice. "I did it, I'm saved," I thought.

The only problem was it didn't seem to change anything a whole lot. I was plagued with doubts. As a teenager I wasn't a whole lot different that my non-Christian friends though I did manage to stay away from the Top Biggies. I had serious faith crises over and over again. I began to doubt whether that baptism even 'took'. I mean, maybe I got something wrong! Maybe my faith just wasn't strong enough. There ya go...that's what it must have been. That's why I continued to doubt and sin...my faith wasn't strong enough and you had to have enough faith to be baptized so there ya go...my baptism had not 'taken'. I was tormented. I blew it. I had to get more faith, somehow...but even if I did, it wasn't during that baptism, so maybe I was just eternally doomed.  I tried to just tell myself it was okay but for years would be plagued with knowing my baptism was not perfect...I had not gone into the water **absolutely sure, without a doubt** and my life had not really changed much. Maybe a little...but enough? I knew I wasn't obedient enough. Where would I go if I died? Would I go to Hell? Was Heaven just a mere 'chance'? How much of a 'chance' did I have? What was I to do? What could I do? I felt powerless.

When I was 19 my sister and I confided in each other that we had the same doubts. Evidently her baptism wasn't perfect either. We both had no peace. So we decided to do what any good young legalists should do... read the whole New Testament and get baptized together *and get it RIGHT.* I figured if I read enough, prayed enough, and basically 'psyched myself up enough' to have no doubts, I'd be good to go this time around. God would have to accept my baptism...He just had to. I'd get it right this time. I'd make a list, check it twice, and get it done...correctly. No mistakes. No misunderstandings. I'd make SURE. I could not and would not mess it up this time. It was too important.

So that's what I did. I even remember being under the water and thinking "I'm not doubting...nope...not doubting...not gonna do it". I BELIEVE!" "I did it!!" Let the choruses sing, Julie did it RIGHT this time.

I was happy with myself. By way of baptisms it was just about as perfect as one would hope. I aced it. Strong faith. Knew what I was doing. This one must have taken. Very much like my straight A status at school. I get an A+ on baptism. God must be so proud of me.

The problem was it was more seriously flawed than the first time around because it was even more *all about ME.* My faith, my form, my complete immersion (make sure arms and nose and all body parts are immersed because if you miss part of a limb that might not take as a proper baptism either). The problem with both my baptisms was the legalistic lenses through which I was viewing them.

The beauty and power in baptism is NOT about the person being immersed but into WHOM they are being immersed. The imagery of the death/burial/resurrection is supposed to show *Christ* as the focus...his death, burial, and resurrection which we are invited to mirror. The working in baptism is the *working of God* as it says in Colossians 2:12 "having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through your faith in the *working of God*, who raised him from the dead." Somehow I had missed this and thought my part had to be just right or it would not 'take'. So no wonder I had so much 'performance anxiety' and pressure. I was trying to save myself.

I have met many people who have the same experience of being baptized not once, twice, but even three, four, or more times...all because of fear that they were not good enough or did it perfectly enough. This whole idea is ironically the opposite of the Gospel message which is this: Jesus lived the life we could not, died for sinners who cannot get it right, and gives us the gift of a righteousness NOT our own. 

So it comes down to this: What is the basis of my salvation? My own perfect obedience to baptism or anything I can do? No, the basis is *mercy*:

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of *his mercy*. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal *by the Holy Spirit*,  whom *he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior*, so that, having been *justified by his grace*, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." Titus 3:4-7

In the past year of so much spiritual growth I actually had the fleeting thought of being baptized again. Maybe both baptisms were so legalistic as to be loathsome to God...maybe I needed one that was with the mindset of joy and grace...a focus of receiving rather than 'doing.' I briefly discussed it with my wise husband and he couldn't help but chuckle. "Do you see what you're doing? Think about it, Julie." Yes, I get it...I was falling in the same mindset as before...all about me...and doing it *just right* as if I'm the one saving myself by my act of perfect obedience.

In the end, I know God did not find my two baptisms loathsome....he had and continues to have...MERCY. They were flawed, yes. Seriously? Yes. Seriously flawed. He saved me in spite of that fact. He saved me, not because he owed me for my fine baptisms. He saved me because of his infinite mercy to someone *wholly undeserving*. He gave me a gift, not a wage but a free gift. What I was powerless to do, He did. What is amazing is that it is the gift that literally keeps on giving. Everyday he keeps saving me in spite of my imperfect acts of obedience. No matter how hard I try and fail...He keeps on saving me...there is the sense in which we are being saved on a continual basis. 

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." I Corinthians 1:18

  Salvation has always been on the basis of mercy...by grace through faith. It has never been on the basis of my obedience...because I could never be obedient enough to merit salvation. Ever. No matter how hard I try. To even attempt is to literally never have a moment's true peace. Ever. Ironically, it is only because I am saved that I then can become obedient and glorify God by my obedience *which He is working within me*.

 "To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me." Colossians 1: 29

So there ya go. I could have been baptized 100 times and each time would have been just as flawed as the time before because I, Juliet Power, am a flawed person. Thank God for his mercy, which saves and continues to save me.